Grief is a strong emotion that can take over when dealing with a loss. A person will experience various losses over the course of their lifetime, ranging from situational loss (migration, school translations, job loss) to an emotional loss (breakups, divorce, death). These losses—often beyond our control—inevitably changes one’s routine and affects a person’s thoughts and actions.
Plenty of Filipinos experiencing loss undergo a grieving process, which is unique to everyone. The length of time depends on the essence of loss, the severity, as well as the person’s reaction. In particular, death is a loss so heavy and significant that it generates a large amount of mourning and uncertainty. Children processes these things differently and may have a hard time making sense of the loss.
As an adult, you must take the active role of helping your child through the healing process. You may teach them how to manage grief by building coping skills. Acknowledging and understanding how grief manifests itself in children will help you guide them through the loss.
Understanding children’s grief
It is easy for adults to think that children do not fully understand death. However, many kids already have a rough idea, thanks to the various media portrayals of the concept. Sometimes, they can encounter it due to a friend losing a family member.
Even then, a child experiencing loss firsthand is a different matter altogether. They can manifest emotions like that of an adult but express them in a different way.
Children’s brains are still developing, which gives them a shorter attention span than adults. It is common for grieving children to have fluctuating moods, quickly shifting from crying to playing within moments. These transitions do not mean that your child is done grieving. Their playtime merely serves as a breather from the sadness that they feel about the loss.
With this in mind, it is essential to remind your child that they are allowed to grieve on their term. Hearing this affirmation from an adult will allow them to clearly understand the situation.
How do children deal with grief?
Several factors influence how a child processes their grief. These include:
- Age
- Understanding of death and loss
- Relationship with the deceased
- Learning ability
The child’s understanding of death will grow as they get older. Each developmental stage comes with its own progression of comprehending the loss:
Birth to 6 months
The child has yet to form a cognitive understanding of death or loss. However, they may be able to obtain a sense of awareness of loss in their surroundings (e.g. losing a caregiver or being in the presence of a grieving mother). They may undergo feelings of abandonment, agitation, anxiety, and/or separation.
6 months to 2 years
At this age, the child can sense the absence of the deceased. However, they are too young to process it fully. The following behavior may be observed:
- Angry tears and loud crying
- Loss of interest in toys and loss of appetite
- Searching for the deceased
2 years to 5 years
The child has yet to understand that death is irreversible. As a result, you may find them blaming themselves for the death as well as creating fantasies to fill in the parts they do not understand. They may spend a greater amount of time playing.
The child may also ask questions such as:
- When will Daddy come home?
- Why is grandma alone under the ground?
- Will they be able to breathe if the coffin is closed?
Also, they may have trouble sleeping and revert to infantile behavior.
5 years to 11 years
By now, the child will have gained more knowledge of death. They begin to understand that death is permanent. Some behavioral patterns at this age include:
- Feelings of guilt, sadness, and loneliness
- Preference for being alone
- Tantrums and nightmares
- Difficulty coping with academic responsibilities and social interaction
- Sudden change in personality
11 years and above
At this stage, the child has full understanding of the permanence of death, although this comes with the denial of the loss they are experiencing. They refuse to accept the finality that death brings, opting instead to pretend that the death has not occurred. During this time, they may:
- Experience feelings of depression and sadness
- Become withdrawn, opting to isolating themselves from their friends
- Respond sarcastically or aggressively to questions
- Develop insecurity or low self-esteem
- Have trouble catching up at school
Grief manifests itself differently from each child, and this can also overwhelm you as an adult. However, taking the time to understand how children generally process grief during a specific age can go a long way in providing a support system.
Since grief is a universal experience, allowing your child to openly talk about it is healthier than bottling up their emotions.
Sources
Cruse Bereavement Care. (n.d.). Childrens’ understanding of death. Retrieved August 2, 2021, from https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/for-parents/childrens-understanding-of-death
Ehmke, R. (2020, May 15). Helping Children Deal With Grief. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-deal-grief/
Gunner, S. (n.d.). About Childhood Grief. National Alliance for Children’s Grief. Retrieved August 2, 2021, from https://childrengrieve.org/resources/about-childhood-grief
Mayo Clinic. (2019, December 5). What is grief? https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief
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